Mixed Thoughts

It's been awhile since I wrote on my blog, but I really haven't had the time. It's not that I'm really busy but I'm finding it hard to put my thoughts into words. These past 2 and a half months have been really difficult for me. Aside from my friends leaving, work has been like torture. I never seem to do anything right no matter how hard i try. Something always goes wrong. Maybe it's my fault. Admittedly, I haven't been that focused. Having one's life in limbo while being homesick just doesn't help my concentration. Maybe it's about time that i go home. How long for is the question... It will really depend on my residency.
Cookie and I were talking one time and we were thinking how stupid we were to want to go back home when almost everyone wants to leave the Philippines and be where we are.
When I think about it, my friends and family are the ones who are really pulling me back. If they were all here I wouldn't think about going back at all. My life would have been lonely and unbearable without them, something like how it is now. All my salary in the world could really not replace the contentment and sense of belonging when I'm with them. So, should I follow a friend's advice and live here (if given the chance) then just go back home once in awhile to recharge? If I do that will life ever be the same? Would I feel happy and content one month in a year and miserable or just floating along for 11 months? Or would that one month a year be enough to tide me over?
But if you think about it, the sense of belonging that I feel is being part of the everyday life of people that I love. Sharing life's experiences and adventures (or misadventures) is one of the things that make the bonds stronger. Being there for only 1/12 of a year to have fun and be a visitor is not really sharing life is it?
I don't know. Maybe this blog is for me to convince myself that I really should go.... I've been dreaming about it as well. Let's see how much longer I can stand this and here's to hoping that I don't break.